I spent my day yesterday in the college, discussing some class-projects with friends. While we were working on several reports, I saw people come and go, passing by the lobby with their flat expressions and cold faces. They didn't stop to greet anyone, they didn't smile, they didn't look around - they just walked and passed over. They're students of my university, just like me, with multiple assignments needed to be done and parents at home wanted to see the 'A' point printed in their final report card. Looking at them, I remember some annoying questions and thoughts that always intrude upon my mind. Why I'm here - at this college? What I've been doing here all this time? For what? What 'A+' means for me? Or I only care about what it means for my parents, relatives, society? Why I go to school at the first time? Why I keep staying? Why I'm asking? Why now?
Sometimes I forget to ask myself to keep being honest about anything. About the fact that most of the time I'm living my life as a robot, a big mindless machine who can only know one task for each moment: work. Study. Walk. Eat. Read. Push. Run. Call. See. Buy. Catch... without give meanings on them. Days are timeless - so much to do, so little time. As long as I can fulfilled the appointments, consummated what people around me wished for, collected the homework paper on time at my lecturer's desk, there's nothing else to be worried about... Nothing, nothing else but emptiness.
My mom told me once, when I was younger, about the importance of being honest with myself, and listen to my inner guidance. I never thought about that, until now.
"God gives you ears to listen others, to build a clear channel of interaction with your surroundings. But He also adds you a heart - thats for unraveling the entangled threads on your mind. By listen to yourself, through your gentle inner voice." - Mom.
Some schools and other educational institution - including my college - seemed so careless. They don't care about your desires, they don't care about who you are inside, they don't care about things that interesting for you and the fact that you feel warm when you spend your days in the nature - they probably have no idea that you can learn how to love and survive in life from the wild animals out there. What necessary for them are whether you pay the fee or not, how you can answer the exam's questions correctly, how fast you can run on the track at the gym class, can you always obey the regulation and being nice on the class or not. That is dissapointing, but that's the way of thinking of institutions - and some rigid human being, maybe - and we can't do anything. They're only providers. Nevermind, though... I don't need to seek for soul- enlightenment on the college, i just need to go somewhere I'd love to be. That could be a little forest, sea, hills, or old abandoned house with dry leaves strewing all over its roof. I don't hate school. My college-life is great and nothing can be considered as real nuisance... I just refused to stuck on its stagnancy. Studying, as my bestfriend said, can be so much soul-consuming sometimes. It takes over your mind with its rationality - makes your emotional side drown and lost somewhere. I had it enough lately - now I need to spend more time outside. And this is really what my inner voice wanted.
People said life is our fundamental rights. I say life is beyond that. It's everything we can think about and perceived, it's the similar and disparate, the smell of baked cupcakes and brewed coffee, it's the spearmint and grass, snails and cats... anything. I don't know what's the definition of life and I don't want to make any, because for me life is wonderful when it remains mistery. As Einsteins himself stated, never lose a holy curiousity. And its true - a life without curiousity is simply a boring, ignorant life.
Photos by Elang.
Vintage Blue Stripped Shirt : thrifted.
Vintage floral skirt : thrifted.
Blue fake-leather belt : beegoggy.
White rose hair-elastic : thrifted.
Yellow handbag : the seconade.
Black & Red peep-toe shoes : lawrencia.
Red ribbon (on the 2nd photo) : kadokita.
Navy blue ribbon : kadokita.
How's your life, my dear friends? Sorry for my little-sensitive post today, I think I've been restless lately and too bad I'm blaming my duties for that. The outfits photos were taken in the same little forest where I went before to walk my dog - I know, I wish I'd go somewhere else but I don't have enough time... I hope you're not too dissapointed. Next time I'll come up with some new place and exploration! Have a great, enjoyable life! :)