Running down that only road we've ever know
I can't seem to find my way back home
Wildcard, up her sleeve, turn away she'll make you believe
Swear to God I've seen it all, build it up to watch her fall...
* Georgia Avenue
(this will be quite a long reading - hope you don't mind!)
So the last couple days I was dreadfully busy at the college beside still feeling awkward with my situation. I wasn't able to go anywhere or find any spare time to check my blog account, and when this morning I saw everyone's response on my last post, I feel limp on my knees - I honestly never thought that I would deserved such kind and supportive comments from anyone. Thank you so much from the depths of my heart! You never know how it means so much to me... To have anyone who care so much and vacate their precious time to left such sweet encouragement to make me feel better. Thank you, again, for your generosity. I wish I could give something back in return... I might will give you anything. But now all I can do is just being grateful, and make stronger commitment to love everyone even more than ever. I have to admit that I was so sensitive when I wrote the post, and when I left home after that I felt a bit silly to let such lamentation like that being published on my blog so that everybody just can read it. I didn't want everyone perceived me as such a spoily girl, or dramaqueen, that cannot handle the piece of cake-y incident and try to get attention from other bloggers. If you think so, then I'm truly sorry... At first I made this blog is to make it as my life-journal, and everything I write down here should be related to my real life. By the point I believe, there should be honesty in every post I make. And my last post was also part of that commitment. It happened in my life, it made me down, and it's okay for me to be so - also for anyone else to know. Such intervention of many feelings and contradiction has shaped my recent self - it made me human. I always try to appreciate the process I've been through and put meanings on them - or they will be gone in vain.
There are one more thing that also means to me. Yesterday, the people who left the meeting and had made me feeling awful came to me to apologize. They said, that time they didn't really mean to say such bad things about me - they were 'joking'. And I was like - I was sad and they said that was only a joke?? Well, based on their explanation, that time they need to blame somebody to make the meeting went dynamic (!), because most of the commitee were too careless about the problem we were facing together. They thought if they put 'a little internal conflict', psychologically, there will be higher consciousness among the commitee and they will take the problem more seriously. That was a reason I can't accept at first (because why on earth they were so mean to me?) and when I asked them why they chose me, they said they thought something about me will affect everyone easier than if they did it to anyone else - that was probably because other friends were always care about me (and if that's true, then I will be very thankful for that), but on the other side, no matter what the reason was, how awful is that to make such hurting joke about someone else? I was dissapointed, not because I was the subject, but also for my other friends who had felt hurted too just because they probably care about me. I think about them even more than myself. However, somehow I think there's no advantage of keeping on the hatred, so I told them that I accept their apologizes, plus I emphasized and let them know that they can't always play on other's feeling that way. So, anyhow, here I am holding my notebook again. I feel much better today after receiving supports from my beloved blogger friends - and I went to some nice places too. It's been quite long since the day I didn't post my outifts, isn't it? This time I spent beautiful afternoon in a wide, quiet sugar cane field about 20 minutes from the city. And the sky was just perfectly bright.
I brougth my bestfriend too. Well, my bestfriend is a thing, actually. It's my beloved oracle cards... I don't normally believe in such fortune-telling or superstition, but this is different. My oracle cards were the magical-healing series from Dorren Virtue and published by Hayhouse. They have beautiful pictures for every cards and I especially love their magical creatures - fairies, angels, unicorns, mermaids, goddess... Everything! I'm 20, but I always believe on them - when I was in the nature, I always greet the fairies and sometime 'talk' by heart with them. Call me crazy - maybe I am.
I drew several cards that time, but I particularly pick one card that was aimed to everyone who had supported me and those who probably just read and send me some silent sympathy. This is what the card said :
Raising Your Standards
images form the real artist here.
Card meaning : Don't settle for less than your dreams. Once you make
the commitment to manifest an improved situation, the Universe will
find a way to deliver it to you.
More from the card meanings :
Deep down, you know what type of life you're meant to live. By drawing this card, you're being reminded that you deserve, and can manifest, any situation you wish. The fairies ask you to stop making negative affirmations based on scarcity thinking, such as, "I can't afford this", or "I could never accomplish that". Instead, they ask you to raise your standards to the level that all creatures deserve. Write down the list of your heart's true desires, and review this list daily with a feeling of faith and gratitude - emotions that convert your wishes into reality. Then, make a spiritual commitment to expect the best for yourself. This commitment is your 'sales order' that creates miracles in your life. As your dreams start to come true, be sure to graciously accept the goodness into your life. Know that you deserve life's richest rewards (we all do!).
I think it was such a nice card to drawn! It made me thought a lot about my forgotten dreams lately - I really need to believe on myself more. So does everyone! And last... say hello again to the sunflares.
Photos by Elang.
Gray Dress : Forever21
Crochet Bolero : Rodeo
White Bow Flats : NY
Big straw bags : Gedhis
Black Velvet Bow : handmade (by me)
Thank you again, everyone, for your meaningful support! Let's keep having the dreams as my fairy cards say. I will come to everyone's blog again (I've missed a lot!) and check my emails right now. From my little bedroom here in Indonesia, I send you all my love and care, so you know that we're all not alone (as everyone had said to me before) and even we are, then we're still together on the loneliness too. Much love and heart - take care!