A Bleak Road Intersection

How could you tell if something about to end? I couldn't. It just happened - just like when the wind blows our skin and passes away, we don't really see or aware as it were approaching. We could feel when it reached our hair, but only a second after, it has gone. Like my quite-a-long story I've been trying to write out with my partner, Elang, that should come to an epilogue.

We met five years ago on his high-school open house, and started a relationship not so long after. We are two different pole of the earth, so much distinction, a lot more incompatibilities. But we don't care. We're just happy together and put the differences away from our concern. Things are just fine - family, friends, study, interests - everything, was just fine. When there's something we could consider as nuisance, we'll working on it, fixing away every flaw. We fight and reconsiliate. We argue and tolerate. We believe and compromise. We break up for days and stick back again. We just can't let go the other and soon we don't really afraid of the future anymore since we knew we'll be together all the time.

But things are changing... Somehow we both realize how our feelings toward each other has transformed into another kind of emotion... Not the same love anymore. We care and love each other, but it's never be same again. No more passions, no more anxiety, no more curiosity... Isn't a true love will be always restless? Always bother you with worries about your own feelings? Always arouse desires or passions in? It should always keep intriguing, so every moment you will always need to ask, do you still love me? Do you still love me today?

And these questions had lost... between us.

So if life can be abstracted into a big highway road, this is the time I should stop neglecting the fact that me and him have arrived in the small, bleak, lonely road intersection of our relationship. We've been heading straight together since the first time. We had passed lots of intersection and insisted to stay going straight, kept the desires to turn the other way be unspoken. We were afraid to lose each other, as the journey was so wonderful that we didn't want to jump off the car and walk... But we both are tired. And deep down inside, I knew I always want to turn left - I just hold on my wish because I realized that, if I turned left, he will not follow.

But now we have decided to walk our own path. It was a sad, hurt separation... Yet I'm hanging on. He's still there, in his own little trails, walk in the stepping stones, going somewhere he'd always loved to be. Me? I penetrate a thick, humid jungle alone, and wondering where I'm going to stay for sleep at night. We both are lonely and scared... but we are happy this way. Not anymore a lover, but probably a sanguinist fellow, with tons of wonderful remembrances about our past story back then. Such a biased and complicated distortion to understand, as human couldn't stand their fond memories sometimes. To face the memories attacks are even harder and way more torturing than to deal with the situation when they were happening. Every moment I had spent with him is a bittersweet tears to wipe... And it is okay to think so. Sometimes we succeed, sometimes we failed. Sometimes we had happiness, sometimes it's sorrow... But life is about that, isnt it? It's about the contemplation and mixed of both wonderful or awful feelings, and they both are just beautiful in their own way. Sadness let me realize and appreciate happiness more, so do tears make me remember how meaningful every laugh is.

whatever sadness is, I don't need it, only autumn bitterness I will let in.

It's hard to leave this road we're followed for so long, i know,

but sleep with me on golden soil... tears have already melt our masks away.

eliza - restless hearts

So let me keep on my stride

to walk this dusty intersection...

and find my endless sanctuary

somewhere away.

I'll be fine.